Eyes of Ice
by Intoxicreation
Summary: Ice Queen is what they called me, held it above my head like it was some sort of disability. Used it against me in my weaker moments. I was singled out in crowds, laughing-stock of the city, and they say I have coldest heart in the world but just because I'm different doesnt mean I'm always problem. For once, I may just be a solution. (Elsanna) Modern AU


I feel like the only thing I'm breathing is smoke, thick atmosphere that's choking me. Its raining but I don't care, if it were hailing out I wouldn't care. I'd do anything to be at home right now, anything to have Anna's arms wrapped around me comforting me and wiping away my tears and telling me everything will be okay.

I don't have my jacket's hood up because its the only thing disguising my heart wrenching tears. I have no idea why I'm still crying, I'd been stood up so many times this month its not like this was anything new and I'd never cried before so why am I starting now? I wrap my arms closer around my midsection as I walk trying to convince myself if I hold tight enough it will mimic Anna's warm and comforting arms.

I could hail a taxi and get home quicker but I see no point, Los Angeles is a big place with busy streets it'd be a lot faster to walk home. We live directly outside of the city practically a mile from Disney. Anna had dropped me off La Cita hours ago, she'd set up the date , I was supposed to meet the guy in front of the La Cita he was one of her friends but that 'date' had only left me to grieve. The place was well known and i'd only ever been there once, Anna insisted I go there saying 'Its his favorite place, take him there and he'll love you forever!'. So much for the love you forever part.

I knew why I was crying and I knew exactly why I hadn't just called Anna to pick me up already, I just didn't want to admit it. I knew I just wasnt into guys since I was at least thirteen, but the way I knew that I wasnt was what sickened me and tonight I finally admitted it was the truth to myself.

The only reason I'd been going on dates was to convince myself I wasn't in love with Anna, but that planned failed just as bad as the 'date' itself. The signs had always been there, they were never hidden by anything I'd just kept denying they even existed, that I didn't somehow fall in love with the optimistic red-head.

I've failed her so much recently and I really want to be a better sister, but the closer I get to her the stronger my sickening urges got. I wanted to stop them desperately. I had been trying for the past eight years. Where had that got me? Even closer then when it started.

I sigh my thoughts beginning to ware me down. I realize I don't want to go home that I don't want to face Anna, the shame would overwhelm me. I need to do something, anything to give me an excuse to not go home. I honestly don't think I could be more depressed then I am right now. Anna told me I'm to hard on myself that I can't have all the weight of the world on my shoulders. I deserved it though, all of my actions and all of my thoughts had of made me deserving of being _nothing_ in the eyes of the world.

I fumble with my phone in my pockets deciding wether or not to take it out and call someone, anyone other then Anna. I pull it out almost reluctantly. I check the time, 12:30 even. Its like I've finally just realized how dark it is, how long I've actually been out here crying in the rain. Anna dropped me off at 8:00 how long had I waited? Was I that desperate to convince myself I don't love her?

_Wow, you're really pathetic. _

I begin to scroll through my contacts looking for someone who might actually be willing to associate with me and my icy attitude. My eyes land on one of my best friends, Olaf Mowsann. We've been friends since we were in 6th grade were twenty-one now if that wasnt any indication of how much of a bond we share, I don't what know is. I wiped my blury eyes and as if to contemplate for me not crying anymore it began to thunder. I touched the call button and I brought the phone to my ear. It rang once, twice, and not even three times before he picked up.

"E-elsa?" He yawned. "Why are you calling me at twelve thirty at night?" He asked his voice visibly groggy.

I sigh. "I'm sorry, Olaf." I begin. "I'm just...I." I sniffed and wiped my runny nose my eyes still watery.

"Are you crying Els?" He asked. "Are you okay? What happened?" He bombarded quickly, I chuckled.

"I was yes," I begin my voice no longer shaky. "Do you want to get a drink?" I asked, I could practically see the smile on Olaf's face.

"Well..." He considered. "I was _really _busy before you called."

"Sleeping?" I asked laughing dryly.

"Well, now that you mention it yea I could go for a drink." He said his voice cracking over the static of the phone. "Where at?" He asked.

I glanced over my shoulder and looked around, I could just barely still make out the tip of the builing dubbed the La Cita and I grinned. _Thank god I'm such a slow walker. _"The La Cita." I reply turning around.

"I will see you there, Els." I heard a beep and I shoved my phone back in my pocket before turning around and walking back towards the building that was just coming into my view. I knew drinking wasnt a good idea right now, but I wanted the image of my sister out of my head. I wanted the heart wrenching smile on her face to disappear, I wanted to keep denying my feelings, just for a little longer. To just fit in and not be some sick freak.

The rain is cold, it's almost like ice and I can't help but to pull my hands out of my pockets and watch the water droplets hit the palms of my hands. The cool water splashing down from the sky above calms my nerves, the air is thick but it's not like before I'm not being choked by it. It smells like rain and I smile enjoying the lights of the city that surrounds me, maybe things wont be to bad tonight. Maybe I can still fix this. Maybe I'll still be a normal older sister.

Maybe,

Maybe,

Maybe...

* * *

The smell of alcohol and the noises of the bass and grinding idiots surrounded me. Olaf had just got here he didn't question why I was crying earlier so that was a relief. He wasnt standing in the rain for more than five minutes and he was drenched in water. My clothes were soaked completely through and my clothes were sticking to my skin and I felt ten pounds heavier. I'm tripping over my longs jeans, I regret not warning a belt today I could avoid having to pull my pant legs up every two seconds. My shoes are soaked and my socks are damp, Olaf told me that I looked like I was ready to fall apart. Too be honest I was, I don't think I could have handle going home anytime soon. I just think I need a drink really, get my mind off in some different world where Anna is just Anna and not a freaking goddess. I hop up into my chair Olaf taking the one next to me.

Olaf's not to tall, he's taller than me but hes a burly type of man. He's got some muscle to him and he has dark brown hair that's almost black. It sticks up in every direction and it wont stay down unless he uses hair gel. His eyes are dark brown, nearly black. He always has dark circles under his eyes and his front teeth are crooked. He's a goofy kind of guy, life of the party and all that. He's more of an older brother to me than anything. I've never known anyone nicer than him, I've also never met anyone stupider then him.

A man glances our direction and walks towards us from behind the counter. I realize that its the bartender. He's is a tall man, brown harried and he's cleaning out a cup while he talks to us. "So what'll I be getting ya'?" He asks.

I knit my eyebrows together, annoyed. I hate it when people use slang always have. Olaf glances over at me an a smile grows on his face, I smirk and raise an eyebrow. What is he thinking? "Two shots of whiskey." I glared at him. _I hate whiskey. _"Not the cheep kind either." He said pulling his ID out of his wallet and I followed suit. The bartender gave us a warm smile and he grabbed to shot glasses from under the counter setting the one he was cleaning in their spot.

"I hate you." I say looking at Olaf who's watching as whiskey is poured into the two glasses.

He simply turns to me and shakes his head. "No, no Els." He begins holding up his hand. "Don't say that yet, you're going to hate me even more in the morning." I run a hand through my un-oriented hair. "Trust me." He give a crooked grin and hands me a shot glass.

I sigh staring into my glass. _I'll only help. _I tell myself bringing it to my lips. Olaf gives me a wink and I tilt the glass and my head back. The whiskey burns the back of my throat and I slam the glass down before coughing. _I fucking hate whiskey, why did I even do this? _Olaf pats my back an a smirk passes his lips as he waves a bartender over I glare at him and he just nods.

"We'll be talking another." He says and I flash my teeth a him a smile that tells him 'I'm pissed at you but I'll deal with it tomorrow'. "You may want to stay, were gonna need a lot more." He tells the man.

I take a sharp breath in and I punch him arm playfully. "I really _really_ want to kill you sometimes." I say and he only shushes me and I take another shot. This time it's not as bad and It was kind of enjoyable, by the fifth one though Its amazing I count to seven and I can't remember exactly how many came after that.

My minds a haze but I can still picture those copper locks and I frown sullenly. I though a few drinks would have helped me forget Anna, but it only gets worse. I know I've come to my limit when the only thing my mind can focus on is her. I push back from the bar and I stand wobbly on my feet. "I can't Olaf!" I slur as he tries to get me another drink.

He smirks. "Sure ya' can Elss." He gestures to his glass. "Watch." He whispers and its just loud enough for my fogged mind to register. He takes the shot and sets it back down. "Easy see?" I groan and turn around walking away from the bar. Olaf isnt to far behind and he grabs my arm. "Wait," He begins. "I gotta pay." He says its drawn out though and I barely even know what hes saying over my own thoughts. Olaf pulls out his credit card and shares some honeyed words with one of the workers before hes back to stumbling towards me. He smiles and I can't help but feel depressed as I drag myself to the door. I don't even bother lifting my feet anymore. My thoughts weighing me down to much.

_Sick perve._

I bite my lip, I thought drinking was gonna stop the pain...Its only getting worse.

_Youre in love with you sister you sicko._

Olaf smiles at me and I look away, I don't deserve kindness. I don't deserve to be happy. I need help, mental help. He opens the door to let me out of La Cita, I brush past him still trying to stop my thoughts from creeping up on me.

_You really are a shitty person._

Yes, I am. I smile at the city lights, if only I actually deserved to be genuinely happy.

_You don't deserve her you never will._

I've known that for so long. It's still raining and I smile, I deserve to be cold so I take of my jacket Olaf pulling his on tighter. I feel like crying but I'm afraid if I start I wont stop so I hold it in no matter how much it hurts. Olaf pulls out his car keys and I frown taking them from him. "No, Anna will get us." I say when he gives me a confused look. I pull my phone out and he nods, I scroll through my contacts staring at her picture for a moment before calling her. It only rings twice and she answers.

"Elsa!" She says happily and I grin even though I can't see her. Her voice is warm and Its comfort enough for the moment. "How was the date?" She asks.

My happiness falls through my fingers immediately and I nearly lose it. "I got stood up, again." I try not to slur but I still do.

"Oh Elsa," She said. "I'm so sorry." I hear something break on the other end of the phone and I laugh when she growls. "I'll deal with that later." She says.

"So you mean never?" I ask and Olaf pulls at my arm impatiently wanting to get home.

"Yea." She says with a laugh. "I'm really sorry though Elsa." Theres a long pause before she says anything else. "Why cant guys see how much of a catch you are?" She asks. I know it was ment in a sisterly way like everything she says is but I flush anyway.

_She'll always be better than you._

Always. "Maybe they don't like total jerks." I say, I didn't mean to say it out loud but I did anyway and it was the truth so I let it be not making any excuses about it. I can sence Anna's disapproval and I sigh. "Sorry." I say my 's' is slurred.

"Why do you always put yourself down?" She said her voice is dripping with sadness. "You're nice Elsa, Youre a good person, you just need to let people see that." She so nice and I'm honestly a little mad when she says it because I'm not a good person and I don't know how she doesnt see it.

"No Anna, _you're_ a good person." I say angrily. I've never been on of those 'good drunks', the ones that are funny and you _want _to hang around, no that's not me I'm an angry drunk and I've only ever got my ass kicked for it. "I am a total bitch, and you know it." My words are so slurred I'm not even sure Anna can understand me. The line goes dead for a second before she actually responds.

"Are you _drunk _Elsa?!" Shes yelling now and its only making me more aggravated.

"Well duh." I said. "Why else would I call _you_?" _Fuck... _I regret what I said immediately but it had already slipped before I could stop the words from spilling over my lips.

_You are the WORST sister ever._

"Where are you Elsa?" She snaps angrily.

"La Cita." I declare. "With Olaf." I add watching the man stumble around in front of me. I grab the back of his shirt and steady him glaring at him angrily while holding the phone to my ear.

"Wait there Elsa." She says. "You're so dead tomorrow." She adds and I feel terrible for what I've said so I speak up before she can hang up on me.

"Anna?" I ask.

"What?" She snaps, I can hear her shuffling around over the phone. Probably getting ready to pick us up, I decide.

"I'm sorry." I say and I wait for a reply but instead there's a beep and the call ends. I sigh, why the hell did I say that? Anna would be a while so I sit on the ground cold rain water pooling around me. Olaf sits next to me and I shove the palms of my hands into my eyes. _God, why did you say that? _I've been lashing out at Anna to much recently and I feel terrible about it. Last week was horrible I said some pretty terrible stuff to her, we still hadn't recovered from that.

* * *

_"No Anna, I don't want to hear it." I snapped walking into my bedroom she follows suit._

_"But El-"_

_"But nothing, you're underage I was a teen once remember?" True she was underage but I just didn't want her hanging around Hans, he wasnt good for her. I mean they hadn't even known each other for a week and he's inviting her to parties? Something isn't right, or maybe I was just jealous but I still wasnt going to let Anna go get smashed at some party._

_"I'm not going to drink Elsa!" She defended and I pinched the bridge of my nose turning to her. She was standing cross armed leaning more to her left side, she had a smirk on her lips and I frowned._

_"You're not going Anna that's final." I declare firmly sitting at my desk and pulling out a pencil. I heard Anna walk towards me, her footsteps were not at all gentle and I could tell she was mad. I didn't care though she couldn't keep going out every night._

_"Youre not my mom Elsa, I'm an adult I can do whatever I want." Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth shaking her head, my heart dropped at the mention of our parents it was only three years ago it was too early to start saying stuff like this. "Oh god, Elsa I didn't I never, they..." Her eyes were watery and so were mine but I shook the tears away before pulling a sketch pad out from under my desk. _

_"No." I growl. "I'm not mom, but I am your guardian and you're not going to that party." I flip to a fresh sheet of paper, maybe drawing will calm my nerves._

_"Elsa!" She shouts her voice shrill and angry. "I'm and A-D-U-L-T I can do what I want." I looked up from my paper and raised an eyebrow. _

_"Anna if you can't remember your birthday is in a month you're still seventeen, I still have authority over you." I turn back to my desk and I start to pick up my flow allowing my mind to control my actions as creativity flows onto my paper almost like I'm a robot programmed to draw with extensive detail._

_"Could you take a break from work for two seconds Elsa?" She asks. "Youre always in here drawing! It's so annoying." I roll my eyes and throw my pencil into one of the drawers attached to my desk. _

_"Okay fine what?" I ask. "Don't even bother with the party because it's a no." I say quickly a little aggravated with her actions tonight._

_"Why?" She whines sitting on my bed._

_"Because I said so." I reply clenching my fists in my lap. She pulls at her hair and groans._

_"A REAL reason Elsa." She says sitting straight on my bed crossing her legs. _

_"I don't want you drinking." I said hoping she'd accept that as the reason, when in reality it was just jealousy. _

_"You know I get nauseous around alcohol Elsa." She said raising an eyebrow. "Whats the actual reason?" _

_I look around nervously before standing up and walking towards the kitchen. I grab a glass from the top cupboard and I pull open the top of our Keurg, I love tea its the only reason we bought the damn thing. I push one of the capsules in and shut it throwing my mug under the dispenser and hitting brew on the worn machine. I turn and look at the door, of course Anna is leaning in the door way arms cross and glare enough to kill. "Tea can't fix your problem Elsa." She said her tone is snappy and quite frankly its attractive and I swallow my sanity._

_"It can too." I say pulling my mug out and smiling at my reflection in the dark liquid. I add three sugars only because I love sweet things. _Like Anna?. _ My mind asked and ran a hand over my face cheeks suddenly warm. _

_"Quit stalling Elsa, just tell me." Shes still glaring at me and I realize the only reason she's standing in the door way is because I can't run now. I smirk and set my tea down crossing my arms and give her the same look she's giving me._

_"Let me out of the kitchen I have work." I say and she laughs shaking her head, her hair is down for once and I can finally see its actual length. I'm not complaining though my hair is always in a braid but by the end of the day I've ran my fingers through my hair so much that its unruly. Anna told me once that it was 'cute' but its was just that way cause I'm so damn stressed all the time._

_"You mean drawing?" She asks. "Thats not work Elsa, you do enough drawing at work." She scoffs tucking one of her strawberry locks behind her ear. I puff out my cheeks getting ready to snap but I falter and take a long drink from my mug hoping the sweet and warm liquid will calm my nerves._

_"Drawing is too work." I say and she just grins. _

_"Elsa, you work at Disney." She says. "You practically work at heaven." She finished and I ran a hand through my already untame hair. Yes, I work at Disney. That does not mean it's not hard. I constantly must come up with concept ideas and my mind is exhausted when I get home, the constant use of imagination in Disney gets to be a little much but its nothing I can't deal with. _

_"That doesnt mean it's not hard." I reply looking around the room trying to focus on anything but Anna. The girl is just standing in the doorway her nose crinkled and eyebrows knit together in annoyance. God, she's so cute when she's angry._

_She lets out a dry laugh before returning to her deadly glare. "I'm tired of 'this'." She says gesturing to the space between us and I shoot her a questionable look. "You keeping stuff from me, you told me everything Elsa!" She exclaims her anger replaced with hurt. "Now, its like we just live in the same house." She looks at her feet. "I know you need to work and you've got adult things to do but your never home anymore." The pained look on her face only makes me angrier with myself and I clench my fists together. "It's almost like you're trying to avoid me Elsa." She looks up and I force myself to meet her gaze her usually optimistic look has been wiped off her face replaced with a frown, her freckles aren't hidden by warm pink cheeks, and her eyes arent bright and happy and I feel terrible._

_Its true the past few weeks I had been avoiding the red-head, recently her smile and giddy attitude had gotten the best of me and I realized wanting to throw Anna against the nearest wall and have my way with her as not the appropriate response to her saying 'Hi'. Of course I'd never actually done that but I had pictured it so many times that I'm scared I would. That and I honestly couldn't stand myself anymore, I act like I'm okay sure I'm happy Elsa all day but when I'm alone I put myself down so much that I honestly couldn't care if I'd die. The only thing that kept me going was Anna, but I'd been restricting myself from her for the month and a half and I honestly can't concentrate on anything but me hating myself resulting in me being a compulsive jerk half the time and that only ended in me avoiding Anna. So my life was just fucking great._

_"Let me out of the kitchen Anna." I say coldly narrowing my eyes angrily, she just stands there smug look on her face. "Please." I say through barred teeth my thoughts getting the best of me._

Youre an idiot, calm the fuck down and just ask nicely.

_Anna shakes her head. "No Elsa not untill you tell me whats going on." I take a deep breath in grabbing my mug and standing tall wiping my face of expression and looking directly at Anna._

_"Nothing is wrong," _Liar, she can see right through you. _"may I please leave now?"_ _I ask trying to sound as nice as possible. _

_Anna scoffs and shakes her head. "Youre a terrible liar." She says staying put._

_"And you're incredibly annoying." I snap stepping towards her._

_"Speak for yourself." She says and I stand mouth agape._

_"Move." I say coldly glaring at her. "Now." _

_Anna shakes her head standing taller staying put. "I'm not going till you TALK to me Elsa, I'm tired you your ignorance."_

_I grit my teeth. "We are talking." I say and she purses her lips in annoyance._

_"Tell me what the heck is going on." She says slowly and I refrain from freaking out._

_"Nothing is wrong." I repeat and Anna only shifts on her feet. __She sounds concerned but by the way she's looking at me I can tell she's ticked. I run a hand through my hair and groan. Why is this girl so difficult?_

_"So help me God, Elsa just tell me!" She yells just as annoyed as me._

_"I told you its nothing!" I shout half tempted to throw my glass at the nearest wall. _

_Anna groans and shifts again. "Stop lying to me!" She accuses. "I know when you lie Elsa! I can tell because your eyes get all icy and there filled with nothing!" She rants on. "I can tell because mom did the same thing! Now we keep fighting and I don't know what to do because you wont talk to me anymore!" Her eyes are frantic an her words are worried and I get the message clearly but I just don't know what I'm supposed to tell her. I'm in love with you? No, no! Gods, thats just sick._

_"I can't Anna, I just fucking cant!" I say my voice is shaky and I put my glass on the counter scared i'll drop it now that my hands are shaking . _

_"What the hell happened to you Elsa?!" She asks her voice loud and just as shaky as mine. "Its like your not even my sister anymore!" She sakes her head. "Why don't you talk to me anymore?!"_

_I bare my teeth and pace back and fort my hair intertwined in my fingers. "Stop interrogating me!" I shout. "I'm an adult I don't need you anymore!" I roar and I stop and turn to Anna and I bring a hand to my mouth my voice shaky and breath quickened. "No, no, no Anna! I didnt!" I stop when I see tears in her eyes. _

_"Thats been your problem?" She asks her voice deteriorated with sadness. "You don't need me?!" She squeaked. "So instead of just telling me to back off you make me think that I did something to deserve this?!" She blinks and a tear rolls down her cheek. _

_I can feel my eyes start to sting. "Anna I didn't."_

_"No Elsa, no!" She snaps pushing me back away from her, I stumble and catch myself on the counter. "Fuck you Elsa, I'm so done!" She yells storming out of the room. I blink not at all surprised when tears follow it. _

Youre an idiot...

* * *

My head is clouded, me being intoxicated never ends well. The first thing I notice is her fiery red hair and I grin, her hair is so perfect. Her eye are narrowed on me, shes still ticked that's for sure. I can hear Olaf laughing drunken beside me. I feel dizzy and I really just want to crash on my bed and die, that is of course if Anna doesn't kill me first.

The rain is pouring down harder than it was before and I jump at the flash of lighting and roar of thunder. Anna has her rain coat on but she carries no umbrella. Her coat is rubbery and black and the rain falls right off the slick material. I want to stand up but my brain isn't functioning well at the moment, the sight of Anna in her tight rain coat and skinny jeans covered in freshly downed rain her braids glistening with city lights is over exciting. I smile up at her as she towers over me.

Her lips part and she releases a sigh. "Elsa you're _drenched_ in water." She says offering me a hand. I take it reluctantly, scared she'll break my hand or something. Olaf is looking around completely dazed, he smiles warmly at Anna and she smirks back. "How much have you had?" She asks me rasing and eyebrow. She didn't seem mad but I knew she'd have my head in the morning.

"I stopped... counting after 7 seven shots." I slurred it sounded more like 'sleven slots' but I'm sure Anna understood. I hold my hands out trying to steady myself on what feels like the ground, but I'm not entirely sure it seems as if its moving.

Anna locks me and Olaf's arms with hers and she sighs. "C'mon..." She mumbled pulling us toward the street. "Lets get you guys home." She glances at me.

"Are you s-still mad?" I ask a bit dopey, she smiles.

"I'll be dealing with you in the morning." She says through her teeth and I laugh nervously.

_I'm screwed._

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry for any grammatical errors, if there are any I'll be sure to get them out within the next few days. Also, this is my first fanfic and first stories are always kinda awkward. Though I'm sure if you guys want more that I'll get into the swing of things soon enough.


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